The Red Knight

For this joke you will need the following props:

Two halves of a hollowed out coconut
A chain
A large book
3 pints of beer
Anything else you can tie into the story
and finally:
A pair of running shoes.
Use of props:
Coconut - Sound of horses hooves
Chain & Book - Noise of drawbridge coming down
Beer - to be drunk whilst telling joke at the appropriate times
Running shoes - see below
Special effects are in square brackets, for example, [coconuts].

This joke has a warning that goes with it. Make sure you are wearing your running shows whilst telling the story, as I once got chased out of the Puband down the road. Whereupon my capture I was thown in the river !

You have been warned.

>>>>>>>>>>

The Saga of The Red Knight (with the yellow shield with the little blue stars on).

• The Village and The Gypsies.

Once upon a time, long long ago, but not too long ago as to make it ancient, there lived a Knight. Now whenever this Knight went out on his travels he always wore his red armour and carried his yellow shield with the little blue stars on. This earned him the name of 'The Red Knight with the yellow shield with the little blue stars on'. Of this name he was very proud.

One fine spring morning the Knight decided he would find himself a wife. Sohe put on his best red armour, picked up his sheild, the yellow one with the little blue stars, and walked down to the stables. Once there he saddled his horse - who's name was Silver, being that he was a magnificent white stallion. He rode out of his castle and across the drawbridge [coconuts].

Now the Knight's castle was on the edge of a large forest, and not long into his quest the Knight came accross an old woodcutter called Eugene.

'Greetings. How are you today?' said the Knight.
'Very well, thankyou Sir.' replied the woodcutter.
'Jolly good. Goodbye then, and by the way, be careful with that axe, Eugene'.

Carrying on through the forest [coconuts] the Knight soon came a small village, so he decided to stop and get something to eat. Stopping outside atavern, the Knight dismounted Silver and tethered him to a post. He enteredthe ale house and walked up to the bar.

'Greetings landlord, a pint of your finest ale, a bowl of that lovely smelling beef stew and some bread please.' said the Knight. 'Certainly, Sir. If you would like to take a seat I will bring to you.' replied the barman. 'I'd like to sit outside with my horse, is that okay?' 'No problem at all Sir, would you horse like some oats' 'Yes. Thankyou.'

So off went the Knight to sit in the sun. Whilst sitting there drinking, [beer] an old man came up to him and said 'You are The Red Knight with the yellow shield with the little blue stars on. The quest you have started will be a long one, but you will find a wife at the end of it.'

Amazed the Knight said 'I'm amazed, How did you know about my quest?' 'Never mind.' said the old man, 'I'm just here to keep the plot going!'. 'Before you leave the village, pick up some cooking apples and take some bottles of beer with you.' And so saying, he left.

A few minutes later the barman arrived with the food, more drink and oats.'My, what a magnificent stallion.' he said. 'Yes, his name is Silver, feed him if you wish.' replied the Knight as he drank his beer. [beer] 'Oh yes, while I remember, can I have some bottles of this execellent beer to take with me.' [beer] 'Of course, Sir. I'll bring some out for you.'

So the Knight sat and eat his meal, and drank his beer. [beer] Upon collecting the bottles from the barman he asked the whereabouts of the fruit shop. 'Where is the Fruitshop?' he asked. 'Just go down this road and turn left, it's on your right as you leave the village' replied the barman.

And so off he went and bought some apples and left the village [coconuts] feeling very puzzled about the old man.

After a relaxing ride [coconuts, beer] he came to the opposite edge of the forest.

'Whoa there Silver.' he said, 'Is that music I can hear?' Silver didn't say anything - because although he was a magnificent stallion, he was still only a horse and couldn't talk. He just nodded his head. 'Come, my friend. Let us go and see what we can find.' So of he rode [coconuts] towards the music.

After a few minutes he came across a tribe of gypsies.

'Hello.' he called, 'May I join you?' 'Why yes of course you can.' said there leader, whose name was Gary. 'You are The Red Knight with the yellow shield with the little blue stars on. Wehave been expecting you. Did you bring the apples?' Amazed the Knight said 'I'm amazed, How did you know who I was?'. 'Well' said Gary. 'Apart from the fact that your wearing red armour and carrying that yellow sheild with little blue stars on, an old man told us that you would be coming!' 'Oh' said the Knight.

• The Castle.

After a long night of singing, dancing and drinking [beer] the Knight prepares to leave the village. 'Good afternoon, Sir Knight. I hope you slept well.' said Gary, the leader of the tribe. 'Before you go I have a message for you from the old man.' 'Very well thankyou. What's the massage?' asked the Knight. 'He said that you are to head other to the castle, yonder', he pointed at acastle which the Knight could have sworn was not there the day before, 'Once there go and see the King and ask him for his eldest daughter's hand in marriage'. 'Okay, I'll do that. Thankyou for your hospitality.'

As he approached the castle [coconuts] a guard jumped out in front of him, and called 'HALT!' 'Greetings guard' said the Knight. 'Who are you, and what business do you have here?' the guard asked, in a very guard like manner. 'I am The Red Knight with the yellow shield with the little blue stars on' replied the Knight. 'I'm here to see the King to ask him for his eldest daughter's hand in marriage, let me pass' 'Oh. Go on through when the drawbridge comes down. Park your horse in the stables and walk over to the main building, someone will show you the way from there.' 'Thankyou.' said the Knight, because he a polite Knight.

He sat and waited for the drawbridge to lower, which it did with amazing speed. [rattle chain] [slam book on table].

He rode over [coconuts] and into the castle and headed for the stables. Where he saw a young boy.

'Boy' he called to the boy.
'Who the hell are you?' said the boy

The Knight dismounted and gave the boy a clip around the ear. He may have been a polite Knight but he wasn't going to take any cheek of a young boy. 'I am The Red Knight with the yellow shield with the little blue stars on' said the Knight. 'I'm here to see the King to ask him for his eldest daughter's hand in marriage, now take my horse, Silver, to the stables and see that he is properly looked after.'

And with that he stormed over to the main building. There was another guardon the door.

'Good day, Knight' said the guard. 'Are you being funny, I've had enough cheek from that stable boy' asked theKnight. 'No, Sir. I was just being polite. How may I help you?'. 'I am The Red Knight with the yellow shield with the little blue stars on' said the Knight. 'I'm here to see the King to ask him for his eldest daughter's hand in marriage. Can you take me to him?' 'Yes, Sir. Please follow me'

They walked into the building and down several corridors until they came toa large ornate door at which the guard stopped and said 'I'll go though andannouce you.'

The guard entered and said: 'Your majesty, may I present The Red Knight with the yellow shield with thelittle blue stars on.'

'Bring him here' said the King.

The Knight entered and bowed.

'Let me guess.' the King said 'You are here to ask my permission to marry my eldest daughter, am I right?' 'Why, yes. Who did you know?' asked the Knight. 'That isn't important.' said the king, 'You can marry her on one condition,kill the dragon that lives under the hill behind the castle. Many have tried, but all have failed. Go now we'll talk later if you succeed'

The guard showed the Knight to the backdoor of the castle and said: 'Just over there is the hill, you'll find a large cave arounf the other side. Be careful the dragon doesn't like people disturbing the evening sleep.'

• The Dragon

The Knight tried to walk up to the cave quietly but his armour made to muchnoise. As he reached the entrance the Dragon appeared and roared, 'WHO IS THAT OUT THERE DISTURBING MY SLEEP?'

The Knight stepped out in front of the cave. 'It is I' said the Knight.

'YES, I CAN SEE THAT BUT WHO ARE YOU?' interrupted the Dragon.

'I am, The Red Knight (with the yellow shield with the little blue stars on). I have come here to kill you so that I'll be able to marry the King's eldest daughter. Prepare to die.'

At this the Dragon laughed 'HA HA HA HA' he went. 'That's is almost as funny as one of Squiffy's jokes! You would never be able to kill me.'

'What' said the Knight. 'Not The Squiffy, famed in legend and song thoughout the land?' 'Yes, the very same. Do you know any of his jokes?' said the Dragon gettinginterested in the conversation.

'But of course' replied the Knight 'All Knights get taught them at Knight School. Do you wish to hear some?'

'Okay go ahead, but be warned. If they aren't good ones I shall eat you.'

'Okay, this one is called The Undertaker' said the Knight nervously

An undertaker was laying out the body of a dead husband, but the corpse's toupee kept falling off. Eventually he asked the highly distressed widow if she could find some glue. So off she went and after about ten minutes returned with a pot of glue.

"Oh it's alright" the undertaker told her, "I've found a nail."

With this the Dragon roared with laughter, the Knight seeing his chance lunged at the Dragon and cut off his head.

Smiling to himself, the Knight picked up the Dragons head and carried it back to the castle, where the guard was waiting at the back door.

'Well done' said the guard 'We knew you could do it.'

'Come this way. I've been instructed to take you to the guests quarters, where you will be staying until the King has his breakfast. Do you have anyother clothes with you?'

'Er, no.' replied the Knight. 'All I have with me is my red armour and my yellow shield with the little blue stars on.'

'That's okay, we'll arrange something for you.'

By now they had reached the guest quarters and the guard showed the Knight his room.

'Here you are Sir, sleep well.'

• Breakfast !

It was soon morning and the guard woke the Knight and gave him some clothesto wear for breakfast.

'I'll be back in half an hour to take you down to meet the King, Queen and there daughter's for breakfast.' said the guard.

The Knight got up, washed, cleaned his teeth and got dressed.

There was a knock on the door and the guard enter again.

'Ready Sir?'

The Knight said that he was and the guard escorted him to the dining hall where the others were waiting.

'Come sit here beside me.' said the King 'This is my wife, the Queen'.

The Queen smiled and said 'Hello'

'And these are my lovely daughter's' continued the King. 'Ah, here comes the Chamberlain, lets see what for breakfast today.'

The Knight looked up and saw the Chamberlain, who he instantly recognised as the old man from the village. He was about to say something when the Chamberlain smiled at motioned him to keep quiet.

'Your Majesty' said the Chamberlain 'Today we have either Cornflakes or Toast for breakfast. What would you prefer?'

'Ask the ladies first, Chamberlain' said the King

'Okay my Queen, Princess's what do you want?' asked the Chamberlain.

'I'll have Cornflakes' said the Queen.
'I'll have Cornflakes' said the 1st Princess.
'I'll have Cornflakes' said the 2dn Princess.
'I'll have Toast' said the 3rd Princess.
'I'll have Cornflakes' said the 4th Princess.
'I'll have Cornflakes' said the 5th Princess.
'I'll have Toast' said the 6th Princess.
'I'll have Cornflakes' said the 7th Princess.
'I'll have Cornflakes' said the 8th Princess.
'I'll have Cornflakes' said the 9th Princess.
'Well,' said the Chamberlain, 'That just goes to proves that 8 out of 10 women prefer Cornflakes to Toast!'.

And so saying he ran out of the room.