The Backyardigans are big at our house. It's actually a pretty cute show, but Ken and I often joke about the insidious ability of the show's songs to invade all available brain space of non-toddling individuals and render them senseless through sleep deprivation. The second - and I do mean the second your head hits the pillow, out come the goofy little tunes to rattle relentlessly through your cranium.

The show also inspires a unique variety of imaginative play among the toddler set. Well, at least at our house it does. One of the more recent episodes was called 'Cops and Robots'. This action-packed tale contained an annoying little ditty which tormented all resident adults' hours of conscious thought without mercy. The entire set of lyrics consisted solely of the repetitive phrase, "Can't stop... Can't stop the cops... We're the best in the gal-ax-sy..." And was sung to the tune of 'Shoo Fly'. They (the dastardly producers) set the songs to familiar tunes - just in case you are in danger of forgetting the lyrics. But I digress. The end result of this particular episode was to inspire all resident 5-year-olds to speak in robotic monotone for two weeks...

"I-do-not-wan-na-eat-buh-sket-ee-for-din-err... I-wan-na-eat-peez-uh-in-stead."

"I-need-ta-wear-my-air-ee-ul-swim-gogg-ulls-to-da-go-fur-ee-store... Cuz-I'm-a-row-bot...
Row-bots-all-ays-wear-air-ee-ul-swim-gogg-ulls... It's-da-row-bot-rules."

Lots of fun, this particular episode. We've gotten a lot of milage out of it. Public conversations were especially entertaining...

"No-laff-ing-at-me. I'm-a-row-bot. You-muss-nev-ver-laff-at-row-bots. It-makes-em-mad.
Den-dey-splode."

"Doughs-are-not-swim-gogg-ulls. Dey-are-my-row-bot-gogg-ulls. Dat-makes-me-mad...
Mal-fun-shunnn... Mal-fun-shunn... Please-push-my-stop-dat-mal-fun-shun-but-un."

The novelty eventually wore off and we went on to the next episode, and the one after that. However, you never know when one of those reruns is going to pop up and getcha. Yesterday I was ambushed by a rerun.

We were driving home from Jacqui's morning play group when suddenly, an ambulance, with siren blaring, came roaring up from behind. I started making my way over to the shoulder and just about jumped our car onto the sidewalk when a shrieking voice came from the backseat... "Oh no!! It's da cops! Step on it Mom!!"

Huh?

"Hurrrrrry!! No-no-no!! Don't slow down! Dey'll frow us in jam!"

"Jacqueline! You scared me silly! No more yelling." The ambulance was getting closer.

"Mooooommmmm!! You gotta get us outta here! Dey'll frow us in jam!"

"What are you talking about?"

"Jam!! Dey'll frow us in jam, Mom! You bedder move it!"

"What in the world do you mean, 'They'll throw us in jam?' What's jam?"

"Poh-leese jam Mom!"

"What's police jam?"

"It's da jam dat poh-leese peeples frow da bad guys in!"

"I'm not a bad guy."

And then came the rapid-fire confession... "I stuck-ded some of da berries outta my yogurt on da under-neef side of da table tuh-day! I'm a bad guy! Dey'll frow me in jam!"

I looked up into the rear-view mirror at her horrified little eyes and tried not to laugh. A hand was clasped in theatric distress to each side of her face as the ambulance closed in... and then whizzed past. The relief that washed over her baby features was palpable. And comical. She looked as if she might just about pass out. I couldn't help it... I laughed.

"Not funny!!" The little con-artist suddenly regained her composure.

I pulled back out onto the street and headed the car towards home. Looking up at her once more in the rear-view mirror, I somehow couldn't resist asking, "So... Could you tell me about this police jam?"

"I reely jess don't wanna talk about it right now."

"Why not?"

"Too scary."

"When you say jam, do you mean jail?"

"Noooooooo!! Jam!! I...SAID... JAM!!"

"I think you're making stuff up."

"Nooooo! Dere's a jam dat poh-leese hab! Dey put da bad guys innit!"

"What exactly do you mean when you say jam?"

"I mean JAM! Zack-ly JAM!!"

"Like jam we put on your toast?"

"YES!! But diffuhrent! You know, da poh-leese jam kind!"

"What does it look like?"

"Kinda like grape, I fink, but lots stickier. Da bad guys can't get outta it for never and never!"

"Where did you hear about police jam?"

"From Off-sir Tyrone an' Off-sir Neequa on da Backyardigans Mom! I keep telling you dat you really needta pay duh-tenshun!"

I couldn't for the life of me remember anything about 'police jam' on the episode. I made a mental note to tune in and 'pay duh-tenshun' on the next re-run.

There was however, another matter that warranted some immediate 'duh-tenshun'...The issue of the heretofore unknown breakfast crimes. "So, Jacqui... Why do you suppose the police didn't throw you in 'police jam' just now?"

"Ummm... Jess lucky I guess."

"Nope."

"Not lucky?"

"Nope. They didn't put you in police jam because they know that little girls that smear yogurt berries under the table top have to go somewhere else."

Both hands flew up to clasp whitened cheeks as eyes widened in anticipatory horror... "Someplace else??????!!!???"

"Yup."

I pulled into our driveway, got out, slid open her door and gave her a maniacal grin...

"Welcome to 'Mommy Jam'."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! I don't wanna go ta Mommy JAM!!!!"

Jacqui sniffled her way through the front door as I cheerfuly sang, "Can't stop... Can't stop the Mom... Can't stop... Can't stop the Mom... Can't stop... Can't stop the Mom... She's the best in the gal-ax-sy..."