The AVERAGE AMERICAN:

A recent study conducted by Harvard University found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study by the American Medical Association found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

This means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Kind of makes you proud to be an American.

In today's post, you will read a factual, nearly verbatim, conversation between and a Mom and her eight year old boy. At the end of this post... you will be able to see why I am certifiable.

Jackson, how was your day? (just now noticing what appears to be brown bruises along the side of his face)

• It was bad!

Why was it bad? What happened to your face?

• First, this kid choked me and threw me on the ground. Then, this other kid kicked me in my face.

WHAT!?

• Yeah, it hurt a lot!

(I lunge for Jackson's head, rapidly examining, running over his newly buzzed scalp like an ape looking for a snack)

WHAT!? You got in a fight today?? What happened? Who were these boys? Did they get in trouble? Why didn't you call me? Did you tell your teacher? Is that what happened to your face?? Are you hurt?? Does it hurt?? TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED JACKSON!

(I'm shocked, freaked out, panicked, wondering why the school didn't call me to tell me that my son was beat up by two other boys)

• Nothing happened.

Jackson! Tell me what happened! You just said a boy choked you and threw you on the ground, and another boy kicked you in the face!

(I lick my thumb and start scrubbing at the "bruises", realizing now that the brown spots are just dirt)

• Well, I was running at recess and this kid stuck his arm out, and I ran into it on accident. It choked me and I fell down. (clothes-lined because he wasn't paying attention) Then I was walking in front of the swings and this kid ran into my head with his foot. (the #1 don't for swing sets)

Originally posted on Bliss in Bloom 11/03/07

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications.

It also began unexpectedly spawning Child-Processes that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Smoking 10.3, Boozing 2.5 and Saturday Night Clubing 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever started. I cannot keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications like Guys Night Out 4.3, Dance 'n' Drink 2.0 and Bachelor Party 7.77.

At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as Mother-In-Law 55.8 and Useless-Brother-In-Law Beta. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall does not work on this program. Once I tried to uninstall Wife 1.0 but got this error: "General Protection Fault in module House Security. The Uninstallation will abort." Can you help me, please?

Here was the reply from Tech Support:

Dear Customer:

This is a very common problem among men, but it is due mostly to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is actually an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything.

You will not be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge Wife 1.0 from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support;" this was given to you at time of registration with Wife 1.0. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs).

The best course of action will be to enter the command C:APOLOGIZE. In fact I would suggest you use this command every time Wife 1.0 crashes on your system. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. The command C:\Yes dear will keep Wife 1.0 running happy, for awhile.

Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1, Necklaces 3.2, Chocolates 5.0 and Movies 4.5.

Do not, under any circumstances, install Visual Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Recent surveys show add-ons like Visual Dress 2.0, Diamond Necklace 3.0, and A Quick Tour To Temple 1.0 are the best Third Party tools supported by Wife 1.0 to allow it to run smoothly and effectively.

Best of luck!

• Have you ever had mono?



• Have I ever had momo? Yes, several times!




• The last place you were (besides now)?
  Hiding from my boys, in the bathroom, with the magazine I just found in my mailbox.




• Do you remember anything from being 3?
  Yes, I do. I was walking on a beach in Florida, and stepped on a piece of broken glass... it's the trauma, and the tetanus shot that brings it back to life.




• How many times a day do you drop your cell phone?
  Hmmm? I haven't had a cell phone for months now, so that is one less worry for my butter fingers.




• The top three things you spend the most money on?
  Rent, Jackson, Noah




• Last food you ate?
  a crouton




• First thing you notice about the opposite sex?
  Hands, height, hair... all at once.




• One of your favorite songs?
  This is an impossible question for me to answer.




• The school you attend(ed)?
  I've attended so many schools, it would blow your mind if I was able to list them.




• Your cell phone provider?
  My last cell phone provider was my exboyfriend. Ahem, he was the provider, I paid my own bill.




• Favorite store in the mall?
  I avoid the mall... like the plague.




• The longest job you had?
  Longest job?




• What do you smell like?
  Right now? The Soap & Glory lotion I just put on my elbows.




• The biggest lie you've ever heard?
  My Mom tries to make me believe that she DOESN'T read my blog... even though I have told her about sitemeter, and that I can see her lurking for hours!




• The last time you cried was because why?
  I cried this morning... good tears in the worship service at church.




• In your opinion, do long distance relationships work?
  They are very hard to maintain! But, they can work!!




• Do you drink coffee?
  Not lately. I'm main lining Full Throttle these days.




• What do you wanna say to your most recent ex?
  Dude, YOU lost out, not me. But, I don't need to tell him that, it's kinda obvious.




• What do you remember from being 19?
  I looked hotter at age 19 than I probably ever will again. I was more stupid at age 19 than humanly possible. Oh to have the wisdom of age in such a hot body!!




• Favorite color(s)?
  Green, it's my signiture color.




• First person on your missed calls list on your cell phone?
  No matter the phone, I miss virtually every call that comes... to catch me on the phone is rare.




• Who is the last text message from?
  N/A hooray!




• How many pillows do you usually sleep with?
  Usually three, unless I'm not in the mood... then none.




• What are you wearing now?
  (get ready to be turned on fellas!) Black capri yoga pants, a green Dropkick Murphys tshirt, and birkenstocks. Yes, sexy isn't a big enough word for house cleaning ensembles.




• How many pets do you own?
  Why would I submit to cleaning up after an animal? I have two sons!




• What are you doing tomorrow?
  Starting a NEW career!




• Can you play ping pong?
  Hell yizzle! Fo shizzle!! Um, although don't call it that if you are talking to Joeprah... it's Table Tennis, recognize.




• Favorite food?
  Chips, salsa, queso, and great sushi.




• Do you like maps?
  Yeah! They mean I'm going somewhere else.




• Do you like strawberry banana smoothies?
  Throw in orange juice and blueberries, and YUM!




• Have you ever attended a themed party?
  I don't think you can reach the ripe old age of 30ish without getting drunk in a toga at least once.




• Have you ever thrown a party?
  Um? Yes.




• When did you wake up this morning?
  When my boys woke me up to tell me that they were awake... this makes me very grumpy at 5:30am.




• The best thing about winter?
  Freshy freshy pow pow in the Ton's bra!




• Last time you were in trouble with the cops?
  2006




• What color underwear are you wearing?
  N/A




• Do you think Ryan Sheckler is hot?
  If I was 16, I would totally think he's HOT, he's a badass skater!




• What are your plans for this weekend?
  The usual.




• How many days is it until your birthday?
  My birthday is my favorite holiday... May 19! Don't forget teehee




• What do you want to be when you "grow up"?
  (I've been stuck on this question for more than five minutes, times up)




• Are you on a laptop?
  No, but my monitor is so big you'd be jealous!




• Are you smiling?
  Nearly always!




• Do you miss someone right now?
  Yes, yes, yes!




• Are you happy?
  Pretty much, happiness is a choice.




• Have you ever been in the hospital for an emergency?
  Yes, when I tore my knee up at Copper Mountain.




• Last time you ate chicken?
  Today.




• What jewelry are you wearing?
  My cherry faced Swiss Army watch, not really jewelry, but still.




• What are you going to do after this survey?
  Make dinner, try not to listen to the Pokemon movie that my boys are watching, and watch the Oscars later. - I might even talk on the phone :)




• Song you're listening to?
  My hella sick playlist, aren't you?




• The car you were in last?
  White Lightning, she's a runner.




• Do you like avocado?
  Not really. Incidently, this made me an oddball in San Diego.




• What color shirt are you wearing?
  What's up with repeating questions?




• How long is your hair?
  It goes way down my back, past my bra strap. That's the measuring tool you know.




• What's on your mind right now?
  I need to visit the little girls room badly, I'm dancing in my chair, but if I walk away from this, I might lose it if IE decided to shut down because of the problem with Flash player, and since we can't save posts in drafts, I'm not budging till I finish this damn post, because there's not a chance in hell of me doing this again. Oh, and I wish there was spellcheck.




• Last show you watched?
  The Office... my DVR has every episode, and I'm a junkie.




• Last thing you drank?
  Diet Coke, do you know me at all?




• Where did you sleep last night?
  In my bed.. where else would I sleep?




• When was the last time you smiled?
  Before the urge to pee overcame me. I always wait too long.




• What did you say last?
  'I'll be there in a minute!'

This morning when I woke up, I unzipped my tent and walked down to the river to take a dip. I shed my layers... my fleece, and my thermals, my birks and my wool socks... and dove head long into the glacial current. Yes, it's freezing cold, but the invigoration is what I came for.

I couldn't stay in as long as I wanted, hypothermia would be a buzz kill. My skin was red from the shock, and I shivered as I got dressed. I needed to chop some more firewood, and that helped warm me back up.

I've always found the task of stoking a fire to be the ultimate relaxation. I got a good fire back, dumped some grounds in my percolator, and enjoyed the aroma of the coffee more than the taste.

Being here, on the side of this mountain... this is where my spirit feels most alive. There is nothing that I have to do, nothing more urgent than collecting wood for tonights fire, and filtering drinking water for the day.

I hiked about two miles, along the ridgeline with my camera, to see what I could see. I found a hidden spring bubbling up. The tiny blue flowers that encircled the pool reminded me of Granny. I wish she could see this. Somehow she is. I know that I am appreciating them because she would have. I sat down to spend time with her there. I laughed remembering how my Mom used to pretend she was a tiny little water sprite, a fairy, dancing on top of water like this, liting on blades of grass. Me, I'm a fairy too.

I sat there for such a long time, hours passed before I even noticed. This is the time of year for afternoon thunderstorms. I can't help but be entranced by the clouds moving above my head. The weather always comes from the west. Darker and darker, the sky motivates me to get back to camp.

It was sprinkling by the time I got there, and the thunder was so loud... it shook me in my shoes. An act of nature? I think not... God knows that I love a good thunderstorm. I'm ready.

I waited out the rain in my tent, with a copy of The Road. Is heaven any better than the sound of rain pattering on canvas, while I'm curled up in my sleep sack with an amazing book? I don't think so. I've had a hard time making it through McCarthy's tale, it's darker and more penetrable than anything I've ever read. It's painful to read, but I can't stop. The hopelessness is so raw, and the love is so real, it begs me to keep going. I fumble through the almost biblical vocabulary, rereading passages three times just to make sure I got it. When I realized that the rain had stopped, I was relieved to have permission to put the book down.

I spent the rest of the day throwing my flies, like clock work, into the river... I'm not the best angler, but I caught two fish. One keeper, and one throw back. The ritual of preparing dinner is something of Shakespearean romance. I cleaned the Cutty, and sizzled it to golden perfection. It was so good!

Sunset was a mango orange, with bright pink streaks, and everything was cast in a golden haze at dusk. I grabbed another PBR, my headlamp, and took off to spot some animals. Last night there was a huge bull moose drinking at the river, and during the night the elk were bugling. I didn't see anything other that a big fat porcupine, but his lazy wobble made me laugh.

It's so dark that I can see every single star in the sky. No matter what anyone says, wishing upon stars has it's rewards. I counted more than ten shooters, until the clouds covered the moon, and I turned my eyes back to the glowing ashes in the fire.

The flames, blue and orange, licked the chilly night air... and I yawned big and purposeful. The trance from watching a camp fire, the art of poking at it with my stick, and watching as sparks spit into the black sky... this is what it's all about.

My yawns finally overtook me as the fire got dim. I crawled back into my bag, and drifted into peaceful sleep within seconds.