I have been wanting to get out of the house so I decided to slice my index finger open and let it bleed all over the kitchen towel, the sink, the knife...it took me a few seconds to get my first aid kid open.

Yup. I am a moron.

Despite firm pressure on gobs of gauze and holding my finger higher than my heart...it kept bleeding. At least I missed an artery. Snort.

I let 17yo rewrap finger....it kept bleeding through.

I looked over at spouse and said, "Pretty darn sure I need stitches."

"Are you sure?!?"

"YES!!!!!", rolling my eyes almost audibly.

"I have to hit the bathroom and then I'll take you.", as he shut the door.

In my head, "DUDE! I'm bleeding here. You know, my precious type A+ completely disease free blood is oozing through another bandage...grrrr"

No question of "Does it hurt?"

We drove 15 minutes to Urgent Care because I refuse to hit that idiotic ER again.

I had no pain. I just kept the pressure on and the hand above the heart. It took 10 minutes to check in and then I waited.

And waited.

And waited.

Three people who were much sicker than I got in the back before I did. No problem. They looked pretty darn sick, like throwing up flu sick. I stayed far away from anyone who looked sick.

I was called back and a super cool LPN guy took my vitals and then irrigated my finger. I began to feel stinging. Ow. More sterile gauze and pressure.

I waited 30-60 minutes for the doctor. I amused myself by listening to everyone else's symptoms and diagnosing them in my head. Hey nursing students are easy to entertain.

Doctor came in and agreed that I was right and I did need some stitches. She even offered to let me do them. I think she was kidding cuz I would have loved to do my own stitches.

The most painful part~local anesthetic. OWIE.

3 lovely stitches later and a way cool finger gauze bandage later and I was finished. Doc asked if I needed pain meds and I blithely answered no way I hadn't felt anything....stupid me. It's all stingy now that the local has worn. Not agonizing but definitely an owwwwwwwwwwwwwwie.

I was a very brave girl and it got me outta the house. Snort, only in my life.

No matter how much I tried, I have never quite fit into any group from elementary school to the present.

I was considered to be in middle level in high school(in the Midwest). You know, not a complete loser but not on student council either. I never wanted to be on student council. I did try out to be a cheerleader in junior high. This is pretty funny since I lack grace and coordination on land. I must have been overwhelmed with delusions of being popular in the 8th grade. LOL. The thing is, if I had made the j.v. cheerleading team, I wouldn't have fit in and I doubt I could have handled the shunning that type of clique perpetuates.

I never fit in with my family being the only girl, being the child who read obsessively, being the one who could set my mother off in less than 20 seconds.

The first time I went to college I was more interested in guys than classes and grades. What a complete waste of $12,000!

I started being boy crazy around 6th grade. I was taught by society that I could not be whole without a boyfriend. I was gullible and my self esteem was never high.

I wasted so many years thinking about, trying to attract, and flirting with males.

My point being no one can make me happy but myself. My mother did try to explain that to me. I wasn't listening. I was a teen. I never listened to her.

I still don't fit in quite anywhere and I am not happy though I am slowly working on that.

Im my perverse way I would detest fitting in as then I would not be the true me. Having my own opinions and slant on life is what makes me ME.

This is what I will be motivated to examine in the new year.

Who am I truly?

&

What will make me happy/content?

Any thought my friends?

My Letter to Santa

Dear kind and loving Santa,

Thank you for taking time to read my wish list. I know if anyone can make these things happen, it will be you and your elves.

1. Rice and clean water for the people of the world who go to sleep hungry on Christmas Eve.




2. Vaccines that prevent diseases in Africa and Asia and South America so the children will be healthier and live longer.




3. More people to donate their time and money to charitable organizations, so they can experience the true meaning of Christmas.




4. Hugs. Everyone on Earth needs more hugs. (HUGS to you and your elves!)




5. Love. Help all the peoples of the world to feel and share love. Help hate to become extinct and love can take its place.




6. Faith. Give faith to those who have a dire need for it in their lives. You know who they are Santa.




7. Little gifts of happiness for all.




8. Generosity. Let the gift of generosity fill the hearts of those who lack this quality.




9. Fun. Give everyone some fun in their day.




10. Silliness. One of the best gifts is laughter and silliness. Help those who need laughter the most this Christmas Day.




11. Last but not least, smiles for every single person. :)

Most of us live our days in an illusion that we are safe. Safe from random violence, safe from bad events, safe from severe health issues. I tend to have less denial than most, yet on Friday evening and during the a.m. hours of Saturday I had the illusion of safety ripped from my consciousness.

My 17yo came home around 11:25p.m. and told me he'd just had a gun held to his head.

I looked up and said, "Seriously?" (OK where's Ashton Kutcher and who's punkin' me?)

"Mom. These guys followed me from when I left gf's house. I turned into one of the neighborhoods and stopped at the stop sign(critical mistake). Four guys got out of the car, showed me a gun and gestured me to roll my window down. Then one guy punched me in my head." (My eyes kept growing huger and huger.) "They they got back into their car and squealed off."

"Let me see you face!" I inspected his bruised cheek/jaw area. "You need ice on that please."

Then the mom kicked in: "Did you get their license number? What kind of car were they driving? How many and what race were they? Did you think of calling 911?"

He placed an ice pack on his cheek, muttered about 60 "I dunnos" and said, "I just want to go to bed. My head hurts." (I wasn't surprised that his head hurt. Some thug just punched his face in!)
My brain was stunned into silence.(If you know me, you know my brain never ever stops. Never!) Holy shit. My kid was just beat up for no reason and there was a gun involved. What the hell?

I was on Plurk at the time and several Plurkie friends talked me down. I also called gf's parents to let them know.

Around 2:30a.m. I was trying to fall asleep when I heard a noise. I couldn't quite place it.

Suddenly my spouse and my 20 yo son clattered down the stairs, out the garage door and I realized I was hearing my older son's car alarm.

Holy shit times two, I can't believe my heart did not stop.

Spouse jumped in his car to search for attempted car thieves while I call the sheriff. The second question the 911 operator asked was, "Your spouse did not go out looking for them, did he?"

Older son was running around the neighborhood looking for random car thieves and the spouse was racing around in his Nazi(Mercedes) car doing the same.

(Testosterone filled the air with it's acrid smell and stomach turning effect on this common sense thinking mother.)

The sheriff came and took all deets plus several sets of prints, statements, etc. I noticed they had unscrewed our front light bulbs. There is a street lamp across the street as well so it wasn't all that dark.

Safety is an illusion. I hate it my illusions gets ripped apart.(Part of me is still wondering where this surrealism came from.)

Nursing school is easy peasy compared to guns, thugs and thieves.

DISCLAIMER: While soem of this is truly how I feel, there quite a bit of snark added to the tone...

After 2 days of watching television with the spouse, I am looking forward to studying pharmacology tomorrow. Sad, isn't it? I'd rather study for my pharm test that watch the most moronic, idiotic, and worthless television shows with my waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too easy to entertain spouse.

Watching Whale Wars on the Animal Planet wasn't too bad, even if the morons who went out at night in the ocean near Antarctica to mess with a Japanese whaling vessel did not die.

But the rescuing of animals in peril over humans pretty much made me want to blow my brains out with an AK-47. This was after switching from NCAA basketball to other stupid sports I find no interest in. Polar bears falling off of cliffs and computer recreations.............get me some ammo please. NOW.

Considering I'm a gun control freak might tell you how irked I truly am.

I have 5 chapters of pharm to read, 6 journal articles to review, one case study, 2 care plans and 2 patient evaluations to write and they all sound ever more fun than my descent into tv hell.

I do believe someone needs to update Dante's Inferno to include certain television shows. Seriously. I'm sitting here in disbelief that the person I procreated with is watching this purely imbecilic show. Oh the mistakes I've made in life are becoming clearer and clearer. Maybe I should apologize to my sons.

I pray you may never be compelled to watch a show that you'd rather gouge your eyes out than see. (rolling my eyes into my head with the hope they'll stay back there)