Things I’ve said to tax customers:

“No, you can’t deduct your personal computer. I understand that you used it to take an online class, but it still is not considered a higher education expense.”

“Calling your boss from your cell phone does not make your cell phone bill a work related expense.”

“I don’t know how all of your friends got money back. You didn’t earn any income and therefore do not qualify for the earned income credit. You didn’t pay in any taxes, therefore you cannot be refunded any taxes…Again, I don’t know how your friends got money back. Maybe they had jobs.”

“Yes, the college is going to keep all the money you paid them and the IRS is not going to give any of it back to you.” (Another person who was not employed in 2007).

“No, if your cousin did not live with you, you cannot claim him as a dependent. Your brother, either. Hmm, no, not your friends child either, even if she isn’t filing a tax return for the tips she made stripping.”

“If you can’t remember her name, she probably wouldn’t qualify as your dependent.”

“I don’t have your extra $600 that you heard about in the news. You’ll get it in a few months. I don’t know exactly when. No, you don’t get it now. I don’t know exactly when. No, it will not come here, it will be sent to you. I don’t know when. I’m not keeping anything from you. I don’t know when……You’ll get it when President Bush mails it to your home address. If you have anymore questions about it, you’ll have to ask him.”

I love doing taxes. It keeps me entertained.