Some of the kids were there for abuse & some were there because their families were so strung out they didn't even know they had kids. They all had their own little story. We all had therapy appointments every week, freaking A I hated them. I knew I was crazy why did I have to go tell some old man with glasses & more nose hair then the sun has shine. I kept to myself. I just did my chores & kept my head down. No contact, no conversation, just do my time & get out. You definitely didn't want to cause negative attention to your self.
I felt tough enough, like I could take care of myself. I know now that I was just a scared young girl living on lies trying to cope with a situation that wasn't going to get better for a long, long time.
I did have to go into the isolation box once. I swear it's a blur thanks to my mind putting a band aid over the mental wound I have of the whole thing. I feel that my mouth put me there. I had a strong opinion of a certain situation that happened on the school bus. I had been there a few weeks & one of the little girls that they had adopted was in the front while I sat in the back. Some bully started in on her. And yes I probably should have jumped in & saved her, but I didn't. Lord Take me now, because I didn't Get involved. I just sat in the back & closed my eyes. I didn't want any trouble. No attention on me, right. Well, I got home & she ran her BIG, FAT mouth. I instantly got sentences. Ok, whatever. Nooooo!!! I had to explain why I did not defend her. I wasn't a mean person, I was scared &..... GO DOWNSTAIRS!!!!! There I was walking down to the basement. I had never asked any of the others what it was like, because I was going to keep my head down & play by the rules. WTF have I done! I walked past the dryer & washer to the room that they used when their older son came to stay with them. She had one of the older kids put me in the cardboard box & closed the door. All I remember is the smell of cardboard, sweat & crayons. In the corner I could see a tiny bit of light it was there I saw the broken crayons that someone before me had left behind. It was a cramped space with sand or kitty litter on the bottom. I started feeling the air rush through my lungs & hot air came from my nose. I felt sweaty & alone. I can't remember my exact thoughts right now as I'm writing this but I do remember fear & almost like I detached from myself. I was not her anymore. No more good girl, you want me to be bad.....I can be bad. I can be bad, I am bad. Bad, Bad, Bad.... I woke up several hours after dinner in a puddle of urine. I had passed out & wet myself. The cold air from the basement caused sharp pain to my skin. My head was pounding & my chest was tingling from being scrunched in that cardboard hell. I had been there longer then what I had thought, everyone was in bed except K. She told me to shower & go to bed. Nothing else was ever said. I laid in bed that night after I showered & played the why game with God. I didn't get any answers that night.

It has been awhile since I sat down & dug into the back of my mind to pull out the past. So go grab a quick drink and let's go.

Now I know that these are not in any kind of order. I hate the computer & I totally do not know much about fixing my blog up to how I would like it arranged. I would like to some how organize my posts into different categories. Like Foster care, parents death & so on. I'm sure over time I will be able to figure this out, until then you must hang on & enjoy the ride. Oh.... by the way keep your damn hands in your lap at all times.

So, I am going to go back and touch on my early times in Foster care. My Social worker's name was Sheila. I loved her so much. She reminded me of my Mom. She was caring & loving. She always seemed interested in me. She would ask me about my dreams, what I did at school, what I did before my parents died. Just all kids of things. She made me feel important. And important is not how I felt at the time. I was in several foster homes during my duty as a foster child. I felt like it was my duty, my sentence actually. I was referred to by a number or my last name a lot. We were the "other" kids. I hated that feeling so much.
My first home placement was with K & T. They were a very strict Christian family. K stayed home & T worked & was also a preacher. We had a GIGANTIC white van & a ton of kids to fill it. The main thing I remember about being there is the rules. No radio or TV. The girls could not wear shorts or pants. No after school activities & one 15 minute phone call a week. Sentences, Lord they gave out sentences for passing gas. They would ground you too if you were older or the punishment was seen fit. They also did isolation. I have not told many about this because it was so very torturous for me. They only did this to me once because I freaked out so bad. They had refrigerator boxes that they had in the basement. Sometimes they brought them up to the children's room, but most of the time they left them in the basement so they could not hear the kid's cries. Kids would have to go inside as a punishment if the sentences didn't stop the behavior or if they were too young to write. I remember one time they had their "real family" over for Thanksgiving & 2 of the kids were inside the 2 boxes & then 1 was placed in her closet. They were not allowed dinner. I was always on my best behavior because I was in there once. And it was the only time.....I'm going to take a break & write more for tomorrow.

I was at the drug store the other day & saw the most hideous thing my tiny eyes have ever seen.
This smaller then average size women in normal looking clothes had her hair pulled back in a pony tail. Then right on top of her ever so straight pony tail was the ENORMOUS, BIGGER THEN LIFE, TWICE THE SIZE OF ME, OVER THE TOP, CIRCUS FREAK CLIP ON BOW!!!!! WTH WAS SHE THINKING!
Ok, I have it all out of me, I'm telling you it took all I had to not sit her down on the seat of the blood pressure thingy & do a Full makeover. But, i didn't I just smiled & nodded when she walked by. Just like my mom would have wanted.
Now I know I used to wear some crazy crap when I was younger. I mean come on it was the freakin 80"s, right.
Let's see..... what do I remember wearing. I'll give you 7 Crazzzzzzzzzzy ass things I used to wear, only 7!

1. Parachute Pants....In every color!


2. Hammer Pants,,I loved Hammer pants. I had them in every color & then some!


3. Big Ass HOOP earrings. You could drive a car through them put it in reverse & then parallel park. But who's asking, right?


4. Lace gloves, I had black & a red pair. Don't ask.


5. Light face powder & tons of Mascara.


6. Keds shoes ( Generic Brand )with out the laces.


7. Those Balloon skirts. Do you remember those? Loved them.
   Ok, Yes I had those Damn Bows too, but don't tell a soul..... I know where you Blog. LOL

So earlier I was talking to some of my friends about being a Teen Mom. I have a ton to say about this part of my life. So here we go.....
I am going to start off telling about a particular night that was hard for me & then I will go back & start from the beginning at a later time.
Every part of my body ached as my belly grew. I didn't understand all the changes, I just knew I wanted KFC Mashed potatoes & gravy with a big glass of milk. This particular day I had come home from school & had numerous homework assignments. I was busy completing all my school stuff when A ( foster mom ) walked into the kitchen. She was a pain that women was. I never knew what kind of a mood she would be in. But, this day I just couldn't handle her crap. I sat there & listened to her tell me how I was wasting my time doing homework. How I would never amount to anything anyway. I was going to be a trailer trash, fat ass wife to B & no homework was going to make a damn bit of difference. Well ok then. What do you do after hearing that. Well, I cried & cried & cried. I cried for my parents, I cried for my baby. What have I gotten him into, what was my problem. I wobbled to my so called room. She screamed do you want to be in for the night or are you having supper? My face was all sweaty & smeared with mascara from crying, but I came out & helped set the table.
I don't even know why we even set the table, her husband ate in their room like a freakin pig. He made himself out to be this high & mighty sack of crap. Always looking down at me & B(the sperm donor) Everyone else ate in the living room on the floor. It was just her & I at the table.
After dinner that night B did the dishes & I went to take a shower. Lord my belly was big. I peed before & after my shower. I knew my time was limited. Limited because I did not have full access to a bathroom all the time.
After my shower I went & told A I was ready for bed. She said I'll be there in a minute. I turned & walked past the kitchen to the little door beside the fridge. I opened it up & the cold air made my aching boobs ache even more. To my left was an old ass bed with a thin ass hotel like comforter. Along the side of the bed was 3 small windows. On my right there were shelves of food from the floor up & left over odds & ends that didn't make it to the garage. Do you know were I was sleeping? I was sleeping in the pantry. It was an addition that they had put on years ago, which was why it was so cold in the winter & hot as hell in the summer. There was no insulation & just a tiny light bulb that swung in the night when the wind blew.
A came to the door & said Niiiiight! I hated how she used to say that in her tone. She would lean forward to the middle of the "room" & turn off the light. I would sit & watch the light shine through the crack & the loud noise of her looking the pad lock would make my heart ache. Yes I was locked in this pantry thing that I had hardly room to stand in except sideways.
Nights were real hard for me. I would have night sweats even in the winter. And I had to pee all the time. I had a small wash basin that I was given a bunch of samples in from the health department. I used it every night & prayed that I didn't overflow it. Yes, that did happen a time or two. Towards the end I could hardly hold myself up to squat over the damn thing & I begged to have the door unlocked. The answer was always no, you got yourself in this mess & now you have to pay the consequence. WTF!! I can't tell you how angry I was! I wanted to tell everyone, look what these people are doing to me, look!! But, who would believe me, a useless whore in foster care that nobody wants or cares about. That was what I was in there eyes & I wanted it to go no further. I didn't want anyone else to know. You see if I do the time I can leave with my baby & no one else can think bad of me. I wanted to be no more. I didn't want to exist because existing hurt too much.

We are back from Malibu and we all had a great time. On the coast it was in the 60's-low 70's, so a light jacket was required. Now we all are sunburned even though we used sunscreen. The baby was slathered every 2 hours so he is the only one that's golden brown. We only left the water to sleep & eat, so I guess we had it coming to us. I will write more about the trip later & put up some pictures.
Right now I am going to continue my story about my first night in foster care.

The next morning I woke up to a Huge surprise. Not one, not two or three or even four, but Five little heads were poking around the bed beside me. Is she awake? Who is she? What's her name again? It seemed as if I was out drinking the night before & now had a hang over from hell. None of the kids were over the age of eight or nine. And even though they didn't mean any harm they were on one of my nerves.
I asked them where their mom was. I was talking about the lady I had met the night before. We will call her K. Remember I'm new to all this. They told me their stories about how they came to this place, about their real mothers. They told me about the drugs, the beatings, the abandonment. I remember thinking where the hell am I. I was so sad for them to be in this situation at such a young age. Their hearts were so heavy with grief. They grieved for a life they probably never had. Right now I'm thinking of them & I wonder how many of them went on to become successful & achieved what they wanted to do. I wonder how many continued a lifestyle that they grew up to see. What happen to those children that I met that day?
With all the commotion K came in and asked for them to give me some room. She sent them out to play & asked if I needed to talk. I didn't want to talk, I didn't want to be those kids. I was Ok, there was nothing wrong. I'm sure she had heard that a thousand times before. She told me that it was almost lunch, that I had slept right through breakfast. She said that she would go over all the rules & what was expected of me while I was there after lunch.
I remember getting dressed & going to the bathroom. There were like 50 tooth brushes I swear! In the dinning room there was this huge table with chairs. All the kids gathered, I think there were 11 of us total at the time. It changed frequently. And over time that really gets upsetting with kids coming and going & sometimes they came back again.
K went over the rules they were posted up in every room of the house. We had a ton of them, but looking back they were not all bad. The consequence was sentences & if the mood was right you were grounded for a month. A month is a LOOOOOOOOONG time to a kid. So, I was going to be good. You may ask about our activities. We were not aloud to have t.v. except on the weekends we could have a Christian or G rated movie. There was no radio except in the kitchen and van & that was only christian music. We had horses & a trampoline.
It was the weekend so I didn't hear back from the social worker until Monday. I knew she would get me out of here. On Monday she did call, but the news wasn't to tell me I was going home. She explained to me that Kathy no longer wanted to have me in her home. She gave the social worker all the names & numbers to all of my existing relatives. The social worker explained that I would be here for awhile & that she wanted to introduce me tomorrow to my new long term social worker. Her name was Sheila. I loved Sheila, I always wanted to make her proud of me. Over the next few years we became close, she felt like family when nobody else did.