SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE

A history teacher asks a class full of kids "What was Churchill
famous for?"

A kid at the back shouts out "He was the last f**king white man
to be called Winston!"

Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China ?
Everybody won.

What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?

About 2.3 pounds including the urn.

Was so depressed last night that I rang the Samaritans.
Got through to a call centre in Pakistan .

Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I
could fly a plane......

A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says "Show
me it's true what they say about black men"...

So he stabbed her and nicked her purse.

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted
to me; "Oi, what's your disability?"

I said "Tourettes! Now f**k off!"

A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring
at him, he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.
"Excuse me do I know you?" he asks.
"Yes I think you are the father of one of my kids" she says.
The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and
say "F**king hell are you the bird I shagged on me stag do, whilst
your mate whipped me and your other mate stuck a brush up my arse?"

"No" she replies "I'm your son's English teacher!"

I said to the wife, "I thought I saw your name on a loaf of
bread today, but when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut' "

What's the difference between Harold Shipman and Tony Blair?

Shipman actually did something about NHS waiting lists.

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband "I must confess
darling, I was a hooker!"

He says "That's alright, dear. Your past is your past, but I
must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it".

She replies "Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan".

Father Duffy walks into the convent and sees Sister Rose washing
the kitchen floor. He's overcome with desire and pushes her onto the ground.
As he's shagging her the Rev Mother comes in.

"SISTER ROSE!!!" she roars "Have some respect. Arch your back
girl and keep Father Duffy's balls off the wet floor!!"

A man says to his wife "tell me something that will make me
happy and sad at the same time".

His wife replies "You've got a bigger todger than your brother"