Copied from my blog "inProgress"

Earlier this week I wrote about how I realized the snotty little bullies in Jr. High still had control over me by the way I think today, 20 + years later. I know that was a horrible run on sentence. That came from Jr. High too - from not paying attention in English class.
My coveted spot in the Department Store line that I refused to lose was not the first situation that has brought to light some distorted way of thinking in my life. I have discovered though that once you uncover one mystery, another mystery will soon arrive!

About 12 years ago I was recognizing some real odd behavior of mine when I would visit friends homes. I noticed that when I would take my babies over to a girlfriends house to visit and let our kiddo’s play together I would instantly get tired. I would sit on the couch nearly comatose. Like, 2 breaths away from life support. I would veg out and check out. My girlfriends would tend to my children before I even noticed they needed me. Very strange. Then I’d get home and perk right up and Martha Stewart the life right out of our home! What was THAT all about?

I began praying and asking the Lord to show me what was going on. I really wanted Him to reveal to me an answer as to why I was behaving as such. He did! About a couple weeks later I woke up in the middle of the night with a childhood memory I had worked for years to burn and destroy. The Lord allowed me to relive a bit of it to show me why I was who I was at that moment.

One of my mother’s boyfriends, the father of my 2 baby sisters, beat and abused my brother and me terribly as kids. I have scars on my body from him still today, who coincidentally died in a tragic car accident. I won’t go into details here. But I will say that I never rested or “let down” when ever he was home. I remember one night forgetting to wash a glass from dinner and got a 30 minute beating from this man. Our eyes had to be peeled. We were constantly on our toes and the edge of our seats. Double checking everything (except dirty drinking glasses apparently) and redoing it anyway, just in case. But he never hurt us in front of other people. So whenever we would all go to my Aunt and Uncles house I knew I would be safe. Even if just for a short time. So we would arrive and I would literally collapse on the couch and check out. This was my safe moment. My little “Take 5″. A brief reprieve.

After the Lord reminded me of this I realized immediately what I had been doing as an adult. I was conditioned to be a work horse at home and a zombie abroad. I was still protecting myself from him and didn’t even realize it. The minute I recognized this the chains were broken! I felt so free! He had NO power over me. I was not his victim any longer and I stopped living as one from that point on.

Are you hauling chains around? Do you pretend they’re not there? It may be uncomfortable revisiting a painful time in your past - but it is more harmful to let those chains dig into your flesh and cause you pain you were never meant to have.