Girl Gone Child
BuzzRank 2165
Hi there. Welcome to our blog. It’s about two friends: Elaine and Haley. Elaine used to be fun and have a life - until she got married, had a baby and stopped having anything interesting to say. Meanwhile, Haley continued to go out and have adventures, live her life, and try to relate to Elaine. But it was hard. When every phone conversation begins with “you won’t believe what the baby did today…” you find yourself pulling away. Luckily we both have a sense of humor, love to insult one another, and write to one another … sharing our thoughts and views on life, which we are now sharing with lucky you. If we were humble, we’d say something like “the blog may not be as funny as we think it is.” Or, “we realize you may have better things to do, but can you check out our blog for a sec?” Let’s face it, you don’t have better things to do and we aren’t humble. And the blog is funny. It’s hilarious. It really is. Some days we sit around and congratulate ourselves on how fucking brilliant we are. Now it’s your turn (to congratulate us). The site will be updated at least weekly with new posts - so subscribe! And being the narcissists that we are, we want to hear from you, so leave a comment or send us an email. Enjoy! Introductions Elaine according to Haley From the start, Elaine and I had a beautiful friendship. We had a lot in common. Namely, we were both single and were resigned to die together, side by side. But unfortunately, Elaine fucked up the dynamic when she made a series of the worst mistakes of her life: She fell in love, got married, bought a house, and quit her job. I didn’t think it could get much worse, but then it did. Last year, Elaine had a baby and ruined my life. Elaine prays to God that her daughter won’t grow up to emulate her mommy’s questionable track record. Instead, she remains cautiously optimistic that her daughter will prefer to wear a pinafore, play first-chair tuba, and have her bedroom wallpapered with the Periodic Table of the Elements. Baby G will undoubtedly be mortified when she learns that her mommy used to raid the medicine cabinets of unsuspecting geriatrics, such as her parents, her parents’ friends, her parents’ neighbors, her parents’ neighbors’ friends, her in-laws, and her senile 90-year-old great aunt at the nursing home. These days, Elaine’s agenda more or less consists of “The View,” a nightly gallon of cheap chardonnay, and obsessing over how many points she has left on her Weight Watchers diet. And if that isn’t lame enough, she also spends time crafting the perfect scheme to befriend Oprah and writing lengthy e-mails to Barbara Walters. Pathetic. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Haley according to Elaine Contrary to what Haley said, it took me several months to convince her to be my friend. She was a very fashionable hipster. The type who hung out with skinny guys in bands that wore retarded “ironic” t-shirts. I, on the other hand, chose to protest conformity in a different way, and apparently, a girl who enjoys the occasional pair of Gap cords is not the kind of girl Haley wants to be seen in public with. So it took some time. My life may not be as “colorful” as Haley’s, but let’s face it; at the end of the day would you rather be Elvis (Very colorful life but died alone on a toilet) or Tony Bennett (perhaps not as colorful but still going strong at eighty with a hot young wife)? Haley could be described as the alternative version of Paris Hilton. She is petite, with big blue eyes and blond hair. She thinks she has the biggest boobs ever (“I can never find bikinis that fit because I need a really small bottom and a really big top”). Her hobbies include striking poses while pouting her lips and looking at herself in the mirror. Sadly, Haley is quickly becoming an exercise bulimic. She’s not willing to give up food entirely, so she spends hours on end working out. I’m not exaggerating when I say that if Haley doesn’t get to the gym before happy hour, she will get there after…even drunk. Years ago, when Haley and I started hanging out, I, too, was a single party girl. At the time, I enjoyed nothing more than sitting at a bar with a glass of wine listening to every ridiculous detail of her sex/dating life. What he said, then what she said, and so on and so on. But then I fell in love, got married and had a child. My perspective has changed a bit. Honestly, if Haley starts one more phone conversation with “I met the hottest guy…” I may blow my brains out. And she never listens to my advice. I’m at the point where I just nod my head approvingly and say “Sure Haley, I think it’s adorable to send cute little text messages until 3 a.m. to a guy you just met. I’m sure he left his phone at home which is why he is not responding to the ‘you’re so hot’ or ‘I’m feeling naughty’ messages you send. Keep it up my friend. For years, Haley has tried to convince me of the number of people who hate her. Men whose advances she ignored (not many) and women jealous of her good looks and wit. I would always try to reassure her. “Haley they don’t hate you” I would say. Come to find out, THEY DO HATE HER!! I can’t tell you the number of weddings, parties, and events I have not been invited to because of my relationship with Haley. It’s kind of like the “Sex and City” episode where Samantha gets banished from the New York Social Scene for screwing some society wife’s husband. Pretend I’m Samantha’s friend. You get the idea. Despite all of this, and the fact that she always forgets my baby’s name (referring to her as “baby,” e.g., “baby, come to Auntie Haley”), she will always be my "Gayle."