Haley is taking a carpenter Jake hiatus this weekend so, unfortunately, you’re stuck with Elaine. To be honest, my life isn’t all that interesting these days. I had a date with People Magazine and a bottle of pinot grigio last night (Nathan was out of town).

So, instead of boring you with Baby G anecdotes (although she is incredibly adorable and could single-handedly end the War on Terror if the extremists just spent five minutes with that Jewish princess), I’m going to talk about my extreme dislike of Tom Cruise – the ultimate celebrity douche bag.

Before I get into why I hate T.C., I would like to say that I try to be fair and impartial when it comes to celebs. I feel sorry for Brittney, think that Pamela Anderson (i.e., Cheri) is a sweet yet misguided not-so-smart woman, and have defended Beth’s decision to marry Howard Stern.

I have been conflicted about Tom in the past. Not because I think he may actually be a normal person, but because I really love his friends. I think Will and Jada are such a fab couple, so my reasoning has always been: Well, if Will and Jada like him, he must be okay… Now I just think that Will and Jada must be freaks. And don’t get me started on Brooke Shields. Brooke, how could you pussy-out like that? The man talked shit about you on national television and you end up flying to his wedding? I hope the hors d’oeuvres were worth it.

March 2002: Tom is asked to give the opening speech at the Oscars. There was a lot of talk that year about whether awards shows should go on in light of 9/11.

Tom: "After the events of 9/11, isn’t an acting awards show frivolous? Should we celebrate the joy and magic the movies bring? Dare I say it? More than ever! A small scene, a gesture, even a glance between characters can cross lines, break through barriers, melt prejudice or just plain make us laugh."

Shut the fuck up! This was my first clue that T.C. was a nut job. I don’t care if someone else wrote that ridiculous speech. The fact that he was okay saying Dare I say it…more than ever, was my first indication that he truly is a douche.

2005: Tom has his people get in touch with Katie’s people – he wants to meet her. Next thing you know, they’re in love. Tom freaks out on Oprah’s couch. Blah Blah Blah.

A month later, Katie is now “Kate” and looks like a completely different woman. Is it me, or does Katie now look like a little girl wearing her mother’s clothes?

Tom makes the following statement: "Katie is a young girl’s name. Her name is Kate now, she’s a child-bearing woman."

Katie, let me help you. Get the fuck out of there! He’s a nut job. Suri and Baby G are very close in age and have very similar personalities. G will make Suri’s transition much easier. You can stay with us, until we figure something out. Granted, our house is 800 square-feet and may be a bit of an adjustment for you, but anything is better than the madness of Tom. Nathan is a great cook and we have premium cable channels. I also have GGC fans around the country who will assist with your escape, including a very successful lawyer in L.A. who can handle the custody battle.

You are not alone, Katie. We are here to help you. We all make mistakes. Once we get Suri and Baby G to sleep and you are settled on the air mattress in the living room, I will open a bottle of wine and share with you all of the dumb things that Haley and I have done over the years. You were young and he was a big movie star. It’s understandable. One day, you and Jonah will look back on your T.C. years and laugh.

2008 - http://gawker.com/5002269/the-cruise-indoctrination-video-scientology-tried-to-suppress. This video speaks for itself.

Now, back to my point: Tom, you’re a douche bag.

Katie, RUN!!!!

Katie’s parents, DO SOMETHING!!!

Nicole, GO BACK TO COURT AND GET FULL CUSTODY OF ISABELLA AND CONNOR!

Oprah meet Tom, Tom meet Oprah.

GIRLGONECHILD.COM

Elaine