www.girlgonechild.com

An open letter to Oprah

Oprah,

I have been your number-one fan for 25 years and have stuck by you through good times and bad. But it’s time that Elaine moves on. I’m done with you Oprah. This is it. I admit, I was starting to lose interest in you a few years ago, but then you and Gayle had your road trip adventure and my god, it brought me right back.

I’ve tried to stay faithful since, but a variety of factors (your continued rejection, your dumb show topics and your uppity ways) have led me to believe that my dear friend Joanna has always been right: it’s time that I start a relationship with Ellen. It’s over.

Let’s start with your rejection of me. In the past 10 years, I have sent you countless emails, letters, and videotapes outlining why you should have me on the show. I’ve also entered every single Oprah giveaway and have nothing to show for it. I have never even heard from you or your staff.

October 2002: Elaine sends in a video begging for an Oprah intervention. Elaine is drinking way too much, spending too much money and dating Jake after Jake after Philip after Derek. Elaine needs Dr. Robin’s help. Elaine is one of those “smart women who makes bad choices.” Elaine hears nothing from Harpo.

July 2005: Elaine sends Oprah an email telling her that, for many years, she was going down the wrong path, but finally got it together and is now a lawyer, engaged to a wonderful man, blah blah blah. She is an Oprah success story and should be on the show to discuss. Nada.

February 2006: Elaine sends in another video. Elaine needs a pregnancy makeover. Frankly, she looks like shit. Besides the 60 lbs. that she’s gained, she can’t seem to wear anything but sweatpants and crocs. She’s discovered a scrunchy from 1986 and wears it with a ponytail every day. Haley is worried that Nathan is going to dump his new bride. Oprah would rather have that piece-of-shit fraud, James Frey (the author who totally made up his memoir), on the show. That worked out well didn’t it?

December 2006: Elaine needs a post-pregnancy makeover. Elaine compels all of her friends to come over to her house on a Friday night to help make the video. These are super cool, interesting women who all have better things to do with their lives but they come… they drink wine… they make an ingenious video outlining how desperately Elaine needs a “new look.” Surprise, surprise. Elaine doesn’t even get an email thanking her for her submission.

1998-2007: Numerous emails and letters offering ideas for show topics, advice, support, and validation to Oprah Winfrey. Additionally, Elaine raises $64.56 for Oprah’s Angel Network and never gets a thank you.

Sure, she’s not Bon Jovi. She doesn’t have a million dollars to give. But, do you think it was easy convincing Haley to wear her tightest jeans, highest heels and stand on the street corner like a common prostitute with a car-wash sign? No, it was not easy. But Haley, being Elaine’s “Gayle,” took one for the team and did it anyways (and she met like eight hot guys that day). $64.56 may not be bubkas to you O, but to us, it’s something.

As far as show topics are concerned, you need some new blood my friend. Dr. Oz can only talk about Alphabet Poop for so long. I’m over it.

Nate, you are adorable. I really have nothing bad to say about you, you adorable gay decorator you. I will continue to be your fan.

I do have something bad to say to my ASSHOLE BROTHER, ALLEN, who lives in Chicago: Dear Allen, your in-laws live in Nate’s building. They know each other. Their dogs play together. You have held the Oprah key in your hand for years. And yet, you do nothing. You keep telling me to “be patient..I need to find the right time…blah blah blah.” Well Allen, it’s been three years and I’m done. Usually, you’re a great older brother, and very generous. You’ve gotten me out of a lot of shit in the past. But honestly, I’m not sure I can forgive this. You and your people could have made this happen. And now it’s too late. I hope you’re happy.

As far as your uppity ways O, it was this issue that made me finally draw a line in the sand: On yesterday’s show, you thought it would be fun to do a segment on Shoe Designer Christian Louboutin. Great idea. Let’s show millions of Americans ridiculously expensive beautiful shoes that they will never in a million years be able to afford. Then, let’s tell them all how we love these shoes, wear them all the time, and have so many pairs.

“Oh, sorry everyone. You will never own any of these shoes. But look at what my billionaire ass wears all the time. Isn’t’ it great. Don’t you just love me?….”

Not anymore , O.

See you on the Red Carpet, Bitch.

Elaine

www.girlgonechild.com