Haley and I live in Portland, Oregon. Most people think of P-town as a beautiful, rainy place. True. What you may not know is that Portland consists primarily of freaks, weirdos, hippies, hipsters, and obsessed animal lovers. Throw in a few uber-cool shoe designers, writers, and indy rock stars and you pretty much cover the entire demographic of our fair city.

Haley and I do not really fit in here. Despite the fact that I am a Portland native (as is my father), I am much more an East Coast girl at heart. And Haley, well, Haley really should be living in San Francisco – especially since she tends to date metrosexuals who seem really really gay to me.

Some Portland statistics:

Shoe of choice: Clogs (for both genders)

Drink of choice: Coffee, but only if it’s fair-trade and organically grown. Farmers must be paid at least $15.00 per hour regardless of region and company must contribute profits to farmers’ education, healthcare, environmental stewardship, and community development. Consumers seen entering Starbucks are usually wearing dark glasses and hats.

Secondary drink of choice: Microbrew. Don’t even think of drinking a Budweiser or Coors in public. Exception to microbrew: Miller High Life which has replaced PBR as hipster beer of choice (ironic beer).

Car of choice: Suburu.

Popular Portland Jobs: barista, bike messenger, overeducated food servers who pride themselves on poor service and rudeness.

Political cause: bicycle riding. Yes, in Portland bike protests are common and encouraged. We have several bike non-profits. Bike groups are elitist and do not welcome power walkers into their fold. Elaine has tried to start a power walking section of Critical Mass (militant bike movement), without success.

Hobbies: dog walking, African dance at local community center, protests, spitting on police officers, baby yoga, organic horticulture, ironic poverty.

Popular children’s activities: nursing until age 5, sleeping with parents until age 7, intensive Japanese language camps.

Keep Portland Weird is the unofficial city motto. You will see this expression on many bumper stickers (oh yes, Portland is the bumper sticker capital of the world).

My point, I just want you all to experience what it is like living in this city. Some of you may even be considering a move here. Before you do, you should read the following dialogue Elaine had with a someone on craigslist. (Elaine is a big craigslist fan, because, among other reasons, she met her beloved Nathan on that site.)

Elaine: Can someone tell me the name of the new dog spa on 20th and Burnside? Trying to get the dog to the groomer before we go to my in-laws house for Christmas. Our regular place is booked.

Craigslist Dog Freak: Boo! I take my dog, and have been, to another established neighborhood doggie day care. These clueless guys are walking in on a lot of established and well thought out businesses that didn’t move virtually next door to a pet food store and other day cares. These are all good mom and pop places that are deserving of your business, even if you really must get your dog groomed at this joint. Small local business is supposed to fit and work congruently with the others. It’s called community. This place is very out of step. Just thought you should be keen to that.

Elaine: OKAY, so please refer me to a groomer that can get my stinky dog in before Saturday. My mother-in-law will not be happy with a stinky dog in her house.

Craigslist Dog Freak: Really? Sure you aren’t posting in CL to advertise the worst store I’ve ever been in and most disrespectful of MEAT (other dog store) just a block away. You have the same products as them. You offer services that are already offered by at least two other daycares within spitting distance from you and your undercutting franchise mentality is a real lame move. If for some really minute chance this is not the spa trying a cheap shot at advertising, do yourself and your dog a favor and uh, wait. Is it really that urgent? Your dog is not groomed? And you are asking CL community to hunt down info? Please.

Elaine: Seriously dude. I have no idea what you’re talking about. I’m not even a dog person. I’m actually the step-mother to the fucking dog. We have a baby. We don’t get the dog to the groomer enough. I’ll send you a picture of the dog if you want. Honestly, I use CL for everything. I’m just looking for a groomer. Our dog is half Australian sheppard and half lab - big dog. Hard to wash in the tub.

Craigslist Dog Freak: Go ahead and go there if that is the case but please support the businesses that have been around. These guys literally approached one of these businesses and told them that they were gonna move in next door and probably start selling the same stuff as them. That’s cold.

Elaine: So give me the name/number of a groomer and I will happily support a mom and pop business. I have no problem with that. I just need to find a place before we leave on our trip. I’ll even tell them that you referred me so that you will know that I am not The Man trying to advertise my big corporate establishment on craigslist. Again, I’m not a dog person. I don’t even like dogs.

Never heard back from this guy. Nathan ended up taking the dog to a do-it-yourself place.

The End