My Cheap-Ass Lame As Hell Excuse For A Vacuum Cleaner (CALHEFVC?) died recently.

Of course, I pushed the piece of crap around on the living room carpet for what seemed like hours before I realized that it was DOING NOTHING, other than making my arm hurt.

Thoughts while still in "discovery mode:"

1. I hate vacuuming, but this carpet is filthy.


2. This carpet is cheap and crappy, oh well. We rent.


3. That piece of dirt looks a lot like the one I just saw on the other side of the room.


4. My son is napping, and I'm enjoying my free time BY VACUUMING? And I'm not even on CRACK?


5. I hate vacuuming, but this carpet is filthy.


6. Why aren't maids free?


7. OMG, is that a PUBIC HAIR? Gross.


8. My arm hurts. Dude. I have gotten WEAK.


9. Is there a way to win the lottery without buying tickets?


10. Ok, I KNOW I have seen that same piece of dirt about 5 times now, what GIVES?

Now, like I said, it seemed like hours while I was doing that. Of course, it was probably only minutes. That's just the kind of Evil Lifeforce Suck and Joy Drain that vacuuming is.

No one should EVER have to vacuum. Someone should invent self-cleaning carpet, damnit.

Could you get on that right away? Thanks!

So, long story short? I need a new vacuum cleaner, and I'm hearing that Dyson is all the rage.

I've literally seen/heard women describing them as delight that falls only one step below multiple orgasm.

So I looked them up today online.

Their specs make me drool. Then I viewed the prices.

A defibrillator was required for me to continue living.

I think maybe if I sell my only son, I'll be able to buy one.

WTF?

Open Letter To Dyson:

Dear Dyson Vacuum Cleaners:
You make me weap tears of desire. I yearn to wrap my fingers around your upright handle. I want to love you as you suck my carpets clean and turn on a dime because of your amazing "ball technology." Why do you have to be so MFing expensive!?
Love,
Lotus

cries