My Cheap-Ass Lame As Hell Excuse For A Vacuum Cleaner (CALHEFVC?) died recently.

Of course, I pushed the piece of crap around on the living room carpet for what seemed like hours before I realized that it was DOING NOTHING, other than making my arm hurt.

Thoughts while still in "discovery mode:"

1. I hate vacuuming, but this carpet is filthy.


2. This carpet is cheap and crappy, oh well. We rent.


3. That piece of dirt looks a lot like the one I just saw on the other side of the room.


4. My son is napping, and I'm enjoying my free time BY VACUUMING? And I'm not even on CRACK?


5. I hate vacuuming, but this carpet is filthy.


6. Why aren't maids free?


7. OMG, is that a PUBIC HAIR? Gross.


8. My arm hurts. Dude. I have gotten WEAK.


9. Is there a way to win the lottery without buying tickets?


10. Ok, I KNOW I have seen that same piece of dirt about 5 times now, what GIVES?

Now, like I said, it seemed like hours while I was doing that. Of course, it was probably only minutes. That's just the kind of Evil Lifeforce Suck and Joy Drain that vacuuming is.

No one should EVER have to vacuum. Someone should invent self-cleaning carpet, damnit.

Could you get on that right away? Thanks!

So, long story short? I need a new vacuum cleaner, and I'm hearing that Dyson is all the rage.

I've literally seen/heard women describing them as delight that falls only one step below multiple orgasm.

So I looked them up today online.

Their specs make me drool. Then I viewed the prices.

A defibrillator was required for me to continue living.

I think maybe if I sell my only son, I'll be able to buy one.

WTF?

Open Letter To Dyson:

Dear Dyson Vacuum Cleaners:
You make me weap tears of desire. I yearn to wrap my fingers around your upright handle. I want to love you as you suck my carpets clean and turn on a dime because of your amazing "ball technology." Why do you have to be so MFing expensive!?
Love,
Lotus

cries

I've been popping in and out of this lovely place for a few months now, and I've finally pulled my head out of my ass for long enough to realize something.

It's like Myspace for Bloggers! And what does that mean to me?

The biggest thing? Less idiots and spammers, more dialogue and writing that is actually intelligible.

I highly doubt that the moron who sat next to me in third grade and chewed all her pencils during class will be showing up here with flecks of yellow paint on her lips to shoot me a well-constructed message like, "OMG, do u rember me? So gr8t! XX00!"

Social Networking sites are fun, but let's face it: Asshats and the Mentally Incompetent FLOCK to them in great numbers.

And they FIND YOU. And they MESSAGE YOU.

Lucky you.

Seeing as how Antman is Super Fabulous at a level that Tom or Rupert could never dream of reaching, I doubt that's going to happen here.

This realization is happening at just the right time for this Surf Weary Wench who's had it up to HERE with the Cranially Bankrupt Populations of Facebook and Myspace.

Facebook has always irritated the piss out of me, and as of late, Myspace seems to be trying to become MyFace. If I get one more comment on my account there about how SOMEONE HAS BOUGHT ME AS THEIR PET?

I will KILL.

ahem

Basically, what I'm trying to say here is...

cre8Buzz? I think I love you, so what am I so afraid of? I'm afraid that I'm not sure of a love there is no cure for.

In other words? I'll be around a lot more, friends.

And now? In the words of Ron Burgundy (or whoever composes the teleprompter)...

You stay classy, Buzzers.

Just a quick note:

Not drinking anymore sucks, because I can't blame my bad behavior on the alcohol!

Forced to accept that I'm just a deviant, and a slight moron.

Love,
Dorkwad Mofo

I'm freaking out here, people!

I'm a Finalist for Best New Blog in the 2008 Bloggies!

I'll need YOUR vote to win!

Can you spare a vote for lil' ole me!?

http://2008.bloggies.com

Got this email just now, so I looks like all my worries about how I'm going to pay for my Hashimoto's Thyroiditis Dr. visits and treatments are for naught! All my problems are solved!

[I am khalid mahmoud, A Bahrain national I have been diagnosed with Oesophageal cancer.It has defiled all forms of medical treatment, and right now I have only about a few months to live.I am very rich,but was never generous, I have given most of my assets to my immediate family members. I have decided to give alms to charity organizations.I cannot do this myself anymore because of my health.I once asked members of my family to give some money to charity organizations,they refused and kept the money.I have a huge cash deposit of Eighteen Million dollars with a finance House abroad. I will want you to help me collect this deposit and dispatch it to charity organizations.You will take out 20% of this funds for your assistance.DO REPLY ME VIA MY PRIVATE EMAIL(kmahmoud77@yahoo.gr)]

Of course, this is the 3,427th such e-mail I've received, so, I'm offically the riches person who EVER LIVED.

If you're really nice to me, I'll buy you a planet.

Love,
Lotus:)